gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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