What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
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I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
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I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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