you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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