If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
