If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
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We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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