Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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