You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
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Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
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Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?