i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
25 Hilarious ‘Sex Clubs’ You Should Try To Join
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
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I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.