Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
