Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
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Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
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As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention