Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.