I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
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After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
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Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.