my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.