I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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