She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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