mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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