she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
What changed your mind?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.