i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.