just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
