A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
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I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
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He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
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