I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
