Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
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as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
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I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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