u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
