Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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