You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Couch. On fire.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
