He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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