After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.