I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander