the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?