JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
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I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
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You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
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