Nicole vs. Life
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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