the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems