someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything