I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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