I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
