found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
