How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
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I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
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Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.