so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
