I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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