Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
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