There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
