saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
