He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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