The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
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Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
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I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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