I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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