Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
