It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
