i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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