I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
sarcasm needs its own font
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
