LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
