hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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