true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.