Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".