She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
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He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
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I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?