I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off