Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Why are you drunk at the library?