Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick