Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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