$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
