I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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