He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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